Weeping Heart

I feel my chest heavy

My eyes watery

I know you

Sadly, I knew you

A kind smile

Joyful eyes

A kind heart

A beautiful soul

Yet, I still can’t see you

I tried picturing your face

Yet it still evades me

Maybe this is my punishment

For forgetting you

I never should have stopped

Looking for you

I should have called

I should have texted more

My weeping heart bleeds

I wish I did more

Now you’ve left us

With your beautiful soul

I pray that you’re in the highest Jannah

I still will look for you

And I’ll remember you

When I open my Holy Qur’aan

When I hear a new hadeeth

When I try reading Tafseer

When I bow my head in prayer

I may not remember your face

But your memories are in my heart

I pray that your soul finds peace

I pray for patience for your family

I pray for strength

And I pray I see your face again

Maybe my weeping heart will not hurt as much

Dear Sister, I love you.

اللهم اغفر لها وارحمها واسكنها فسيح جناته

اللهم اغفر لها وارحمها وعافها واعف عنها ووسع مدخلها واكرم نزلها ووسع مدخلها

(O Allah, forgive her, and have mercy on her

O Allah, forgive her, and have mercy on her, and heal her, and heal her, and widen her entrance, and honor her inn, and widen her entrance)

May Allah bring peace and strengtg to all those who’ve lost loved ones in their lives. 💚

I FEEL

I did a survey, one day ago. A post I saw on Twitter.

‘I need help’ and ‘I love you’ were the most replies. ‘I’m hurting’ came really close too and ‘I apologize’ had the least.

But it all comes down to our feelings I guess.

We hide our true feelings behind masks and now behind the screens of our devices.

I guess what we fear the most is the reply to whatever we say.

We fear the scrutiny that society and now social media that comes with admitting what we feel.

I feel.

I am human so I feel.

I personally, might be among the people who hardly admit when they need help.

I’d rather get lost and wander in a new town for hours for what was meant to be a 10 minute errand. (Trust me it happened)

I’d rather retreat in my shell and put a cap on anything negative that I feel than talking about it.

I’d rather drag myself to the hospital alone than worry anybody when I’m sick.

I realize it’s wrong.

We have friends and family for this reason and many more.

When we’re down, talk to somebody.

When you love, admit it

When you hurt, seek help

When we wrong, ask for forgiveness.

When we’re lost, ask for directions

We are not lonely islands drifting in the sea

Nor are we lone cacti in the desert

We are humans and so we feel

And others have felt what we feel

They can help

I realize admitting one’s feelings on something may go wrong

But what if goes right?

What if it does work out?

What if it all falls into place?

From today onwards, I look forward to saying what I feel in hopes it helps one admit theirs.

Love, care and kindness are too precious for one to just hold on to alone. Spread the feelings.

You are not a pre-programmed robot trained to eat, work, sleep and wake.

Love in the moment with joy and happiness.

Trust in a Higher Power looking after you and paving the way for you.

I feel relieved as I type this out.

I love you. ❤

#WeStandTogether

From a morning filled with laughter, jokes, people milling about doing their business and others scouring the depths of their photo albums to keep up with the #10YearsChallenge, to events so horrific and terrifying that shook us all as Kenyans.

The moments that followed after I saw an active shootout ongoing in a city I call Home, a city I grew up in, a City my family lives in.
I held my breath in as I called and texted family to know if everyone was alright, and I clutched my hands in prayer, asking God to protect those still stuck inside.

The people inside were someone’s father, someone’s sister, someone’s mother, someone’s friend,and I could only just imagine the fear while one awaits to hear news about your loved ones.

After almost 14 hours of keeping up with all the news, local and international, the area was secured and all hostages rescued and the terrorists defeated.

For most, the horror ends there.

For others, the horrors had just began.

One who had to cover herself with the blood of her fallen comrades and stay still as bullets rained.

One who hid in a toilet as the terrorists combed through the plaza.

One who kept on waiting for hope, already accepted death, said his goodbyes.

One who called his father and ,made it out alive, but lost his brothers.

One who passed by fallen Kenyans, people who were moments ago, alive and going on with their lives.

700 made it out alive. Scarred. Traumatized. Survivors.


14 passed away.

14 never made it home.

14 friends.

14 family members.

14 people who left home with no idea of what the day holds.

Prayers came in all directions.


Support showed through.

Hundreds showed up for blood donation.

Mama showed up with tea for the brave souls that undertook the rescue mission.

And then came the hate.

My close friend locking herself in her room in the Campus hostels to avoid the taunting of her school mates.

Your neighbor Muhammad is now no longer your good friend, but a terrorist who needs to go back to his country.

People calling for raids and attacks on Muslim and Somali owned businesses and Worship places.

This is not my Kenya.

This is the time to RISE above the hate.

Terrorism has no colour, no religion, no community, no tribe.

We all are affected.

As a country.

As a people.

As a community.

Choose love and peace above the hate and division.

#WeStandTogether

#WeAreOne

#WeShallOvercome

HELPLESS

The worst feeling ever

One I never felt so deeply

Wishing I could do everything

Unable to do anything at all

Helpless.

Utterly and totally helpless.

Rationally, I know

There is no thing I could do

To change what happened

Yet here I am

Helpless

I wonder if this comes with the job

Having to remain closed off

Having to not feel

Knowing that others I’ll be able to help

While others I just have to watch them slip away

Knowing it was above me

And I know that what’s written will always happen

The course had been set

The timing was up

Yet I still feel

So helpless

I pray to Allah to ease this feeling

I know it was His will

And I know it was meant to happen

And slowly I’ll come to accept it

But this feeling I wish to never feel

So utterly helplessly helpless

DO IT ONCE MORE

Dust up, wipe away your tears and do it once more.

I’ve healed myself, more than once, with prayers and determination
Bowing my head and crying to My Lord
I’ve stitched myself up.
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

I’ve faced so much worse than a broken heart
Clipped wings and a shattered dream
But I got up once
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

I’ve faced bigger demons
Than self doubt
Hurtful comments and a low esteem
I rose up once
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

I’ve lived through worse nightmares
Human monsters and two faced snakes
I’ve slayed them once
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

I’ll never give up, even in the face of fear
Doubt and hurt
I faced them once
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

cursed

Cursed one

‘Ulolaaniwa’

He never wanted me

Never will

A father is her daughter’s King

Mine is my nightmare

A father is to hold you

Mine is to hit me

A father is to love you

Mine loathes me

A father is to protect you

I need protection from him

A father is the light in his daughter’s eyes

Mine snatched all the light away

A girl is blessed to have her father alive

Mine is cursed to have me alive

I was taught

From when I could understand

Stay out of his way

He’ll kick me if I don’t

Stay out of his sight

What new curse could he come up with today?

Let him not hear you

You don’t want to be hit

I wonder why

He could never love me

I’ve tried my best

1st in all my classes

Until he made me drop out

Wasting his money

Only to be married

An excellent cook

Until he burnt me ‘accidentally’

A voice like a bird

Until he had me caged

Silent

Silent tears

As I cradled my broken arm

No hospitals

So it never healed right

A painful reminder

Each and every day

That I am cursed

Cursed to be born

Cursed to be his daughter

Cursed to be a girl

Simply cursed for who I am.

hurt

First time she did it

We both were shocked

I was hurt

Bleeding

And not just from the cut

The one she placed

Right above my eye

8 stitches

But the pain

Was not as much as

The one in my heart

I was hurt

She said sorry

She was angry

It’ll never happen again

She held me as we both cried

And I believed her

And it happened again

A screaming match

Followed by a thrown vase

Then a cut again

This time my arm

And again

A blow to my head

She took me to the ER

Laughed off with the nurse

Men and their competitive nature

Got beaten up trashtalking

Said his team was better

I couldn’t say a word

Disoriented

Confused

Hurt

And again

And again

Every time she’s angry

Every time she’s upset

Elaborate lies

Made up stories

Who do I tell

Who do I confide in

That the one I love

Hurts me the most

UNTIL WHAT END

When faced with a trial

Where does strength start

Where does weakness end

When does it stop hurting

When is it being brave

Choosing not to give up

When is it being a fool

Holding on desperately

Until what end?

 

When is it a trial for strength

When is it a sign to move on

When do you tighten the hold

When do you cut loose the rope

When do you dust up and rise again

When do you choose to stay down

When is enough is enough

Until what end?

 

S.U.I.C.I.D.E.

Ssshhhhhhhhhh…

Don’t talk about it

Don’t even think about it

The more we ignore it

The more it’ll go away

Soon enough, it’ll all be forgotten

Killing oneself?

That only happens in the West

If you ever feel like doing it

Probably because you don’t believe

You lack faith in God

You have no hope in life

Stop thinking about it at all

It’ll all pass

And you’ll move on

So forget about it

And Ssshhhhhh

Never bring it up again.

The amount of times I’ve been silenced on suicide and mental health astonishes even me at this point in life, never have I seen people be so ignorant and treat a matter as taboo, even when it happens several times in their community as they treat mental illness and suicide. It looks like staying silent on the matter is just increasing the rates by the tens and thousands.

In 2017 , suicide rates in Kenya raised by 58%.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) states that close to 800,000 people commit suicide every year, which means one person every 40 seconds.

Kenya is ranked as 6th in Africa for the highest number of depression cases reported.

For ages 15-29, suicide is the second leading cause of death.

And get this, males are at a higher risk of suicide than females.

Toxic masculinity, where men aren’t allowed to feel, talk about their feelings or express emotions should stop.

We have big issues to address in our community, and instead of treating it like a serious matter which needs attention, we push it aside, sweep it under the carpet and hope we never have to ever talk about it.

Suicide is not a single thought, of I want to die.

It’s walking up in the morning wishing you had died in your sleep.

It’s feeling no will to continue living, barely surviving

It’s wishing you never have to explain, why you always tired and down

Wishing you’d just fade away and no one would notice

It’s trying to escape the suffocation

The drowning, the exhaustion

It’s thinking you don’t have anything to live for

No one cares

No one ever did

No one will ever do

It’s not wanting to cause pain

Not wanting to be a burden

It’s feeling left out

Like no one can understand

They never do

They never will

It’s feeling too much

Then nothing at all

Craving the lightness of just being a soul

It’s the depression talking

The misery setting in

And anxiety rooted within

It’s the dark thoughts clouding all good

That even when you try to remember that there is hope

It disappears

Cause in the end we all are alone.

That is what feeling suicidal is to me

That even when you want to hope

It runs fast leaving coldness

It’s losing one’s self to

Numbness

Darkness

Drowning

Cutting

Jumping

Hanging

Swallowing

Hopelessness

one small act and it’ll all fade away

No more pain

No more dismay

No hurting anymore.

But see, all this is a LIE. PEOPLE CARE.

Even when we think that it’ll all end with us, it doesn’t.

We still have mountains to climb

Sunsets to watch

Drinks to enjoy

Rains to dance in

Oceans to explore

Cultures to experience

We are yet to love and be loved

To care and be cared for

And it all begins with me

And you

You mean the world to someone else

You never are alone

Stop with the depreciating jokes

Every morning

Tell yourself

You are strong

You can make it

You can make it

You can make it

Then strive for it

Strive for a better day

Strive for a real smile

One day at a time

Just one more day at a time

Smell the fresh earthy smell after rain

The warm coffee scent

The rich chocolate taste

The feeling of the first morning ray

The sound of the chirping birds

You never are alone

Seek help

Lean on others to support you

To family and friends dealing with people struggling with mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts, talk about it, don’t shun them away, and later wonder why they never said anything, why you never noticed and that you were always there. If you can’t handle it, ask a professional to intervene.

Be a good listener, listen well.

Offer emotional support.

Encourage them to seek help.

Remind them that the sun will rise again.

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