I FEEL

I did a survey, one day ago. A post I saw on Twitter.

‘I need help’ and ‘I love you’ were the most replies. ‘I’m hurting’ came really close too and ‘I apologize’ had the least.

But it all comes down to our feelings I guess.

We hide our true feelings behind masks and now behind the screens of our devices.

I guess what we fear the most is the reply to whatever we say.

We fear the scrutiny that society and now social media that comes with admitting what we feel.

I feel.

I am human so I feel.

I personally, might be among the people who hardly admit when they need help.

I’d rather get lost and wander in a new town for hours for what was meant to be a 10 minute errand. (Trust me it happened)

I’d rather retreat in my shell and put a cap on anything negative that I feel than talking about it.

I’d rather drag myself to the hospital alone than worry anybody when I’m sick.

I realize it’s wrong.

We have friends and family for this reason and many more.

When we’re down, talk to somebody.

When you love, admit it

When you hurt, seek help

When we wrong, ask for forgiveness.

When we’re lost, ask for directions

We are not lonely islands drifting in the sea

Nor are we lone cacti in the desert

We are humans and so we feel

And others have felt what we feel

They can help

I realize admitting one’s feelings on something may go wrong

But what if goes right?

What if it does work out?

What if it all falls into place?

From today onwards, I look forward to saying what I feel in hopes it helps one admit theirs.

Love, care and kindness are too precious for one to just hold on to alone. Spread the feelings.

You are not a pre-programmed robot trained to eat, work, sleep and wake.

Love in the moment with joy and happiness.

Trust in a Higher Power looking after you and paving the way for you.

I feel relieved as I type this out.

I love you. ❤

My Wonder Lady

As a mother, she has paradise underneath her feet

As a daughter, she gives honour and paradise to her parents

As a woman, her stature has been raised by the One above

She’s a wonder lady

Like an octopus, she balances eight things at a time

She’s courageous, taking on the world

Her armour is her modesty

Her weapon is her honour

She faces every day with bravery

Her heart is pure

Her soul is gold

Take her through fire

I’ll promise you, she comes out a diamond

She’s my inspiration

She’s my beautiful being.

Muslimah, raise your head

You need no validation from any being

For your status has always been high.

Her rights, have always been clear

Respect her

Educate her

Honour her

Cherish her

Love her

Then watch her flourish.

TILL I LOVE ME

Shallow standards of beauty are what I grew up seeing.

Perfect height, weight and assets to complement.

So anything other than that was not beautiful.

It simply could not be beautiful.

I always wondered about it.

For I see beauty in a smile,

Beauty in tears,

Beauty in pain

And beauty in a storm.

I am astonished by strength,

Intrigued by bravery

And inspired by courage.

I see beauty in a stroke of a painter’s brush,

In a paragraph of a writer’s book,

And in the words of a poet.

I see beauty in almost everything I encounter.

What I did not see, was beauty in me.

I fell in love with the passionate souls that choose to believe in their ability to create art.

I wonder what would someone find beautiful?

Plain brown eyes. Dull skin and messy hair?

I look at the mirror every day and wonder how anyone would think that I was beautiful.

Not only in my appearance, but for who I am too.

Would someone like me when I ramble on?

Would anyone see beauty in what i write?

Would anyone see the pain in my words and choose to stay?

Is there beauty in who I am?

I wish I had an answer. I don’t.

And even if somebody said yes, I probably would not believe it.

Not right now.

Not until I believe in myself.

Until I love me.

I am learning, to love myself for everything I am and what I do.

For my weird habits and silly rambles.

For who I am.

And also, for how I look.

Until I love me. I shall continue searching for these answers.

Or maybe once I know. I wouldn’t need any answers.

When I find one thing I like,

I’d find a thousand more to hate

Little things to always pick on.

For I will know the truth.

Until I forgive myself

For all that I have done

For all the mistakes I wronged myself

For the pain I put myself through.

Maybe then I’d learn to forgive others too.

I do not see this at all.

I justify all the wrongs I have faced with what I see in the mirror.

I look at the reflection and I don’t see someone who deserves to be happy.

I see broken pieces

I see shards

I see secrets

I see lies and sins

How can someone live with a person like this?

Till then, when I learn to love me all

All the broken pieces and cracks

Then, I wait for.

I do sometimes,

Like the happiness behind a smile

When I smile and my reflection smiles back.

For then I know, I can still be happy.

The nights I fear most,

Is those I feel nothing

Never ending numbness

No hate

No love

No pain

No hurt

Those I fear.

When I force myself to feel.

Worry not,

I have not despaired

For the Believers, there is no despair

I hope the day comes soon

When I love picking up a pen and writing again

When I feel the warmth of a loving gaze

When I smile from my heart

And let it show on my face

When I can say

With assuringly

And truly

I love me

For my self

For my being

For who I am

For what I do

For what I’ve been through

And for all that I’m about to be.

Till I love me

Breathe

Pull words from your soul

Like a magician pulls tricks from his hat

Let the words flow

Like water in rivers

Let your voice be heard

As clear and as loud as a warrior’s cry

Say what you feel

Don’t conceal

Not anymore

Stand up

Learn to fight

Fight for yourself

And Your rights

Lead, you are strong

Lean, you also need help

Look, it all will make sense

Listen, you need to prepare

Live, life leaves in a moment

Rise and dust yourself

This is just the beginning

When friends turn to foes

Relish in the time you have

Replenish yourself, alas you are human.

Breathe.

Rise

I stood on the sidelines for too long

Stood watching the pain

I was a target

A helpless pawn 

In a game that knows no rules


I was used

In a place that knew no light

In darkness, surrounded by night

Tossed aside

In a place that knows no happiness
I was lost

In an abyss of misery

Too gone to know the way

Too scared to walk ahead

In a place that knows no love


But now I rise

I rise a warrior, a fighter

I rise to be a player 

In the same ruthless game

I rise to be happy

In a gloomy palace

I rise to be the lantern

In this murky place

I rise to fight

I rise to win

Watch me

As I rise.

Painfully Human Part 2

So someone asked me to clarify on  PAINFULLY HUMAN.

This is my own personal opinion in life, I do believe humans in some kind of twisted way crave pain to make us feel more alive, to let loose from the numbness that plagues us, to feel.

I am entitled to my opinion as you are to yours, I do not wish to impose mine over yours, this is simply my little haven where I speak (or type) what I feel.

So to clarify on this, I think pain, in some way, reminds us we are human, we soar to great heights, sometimes think of ourselves greater than who we are, and only when we experience pain is when we remember we are human, painfully human.

Pain reminds us of our identities as humble beings, reminds us that we are not indestructible we are not infinite, we are flawed in the greatest way possible.

In another way, we crave pain, I said this, it may be a little masochistic of us, we kind of do crave pain. We aren’t damaged or scarred, we simply are humans.

We aren’t damaged or scarred, we simply are humans.

Pain, is a reminder that we feel, it’s a reminder that we are alive, it’s a reminder that we need to be humble.

I don’t necessarily think that anyone or everyone would agree with me, but as I said, this is my opinion.

Pain, comes in so many different forms, we inflict it upon ourselves, it’s inflicted by those close to us, by strangers, emotional, physiological, psychological, it exists everywhere, sometimes we inflict it unknowingly with words or actions that can never be taken back, a reason we should always think before we speak or act.

It’s a shame that with all knowledge we are amassing we still don’t fully recognize mental health, in my opinion, should be among the most important health routines.

Dentists, ENTs, General Doctors, Cardiologists, Gyno/Obstetrician, Ophthalmologists, we dish out hundreds and thousands to go through these check-ups, why not the same for mental health? How is it related to pain? The mind is what perceives pain, in whatever form it is, that’s why I think we should recognize and treat whatever pain we have in our lives, Physiological? Get treated for it. Emotional? Talk to someone. Psychological? See someone qualified.

We suffer through so much alone when we don’t have to. We just have to reach out and trust that somebody will hear the plea of help. We need to trust that when we put our hands across someone will grasp, and hopefully not let go. But first, we need to agree that we are indeed suffering, we need to decide that we will get help, we need to prepare to let someone in, we need to trust to feel. 

I don’t know how much sense I’m making, but without our conscious effort to need to get better, we shall always wonder what if? and wandering in a black wormhole, trapped your own selves.

I know I said it in I Choose Happiness, we are our battles, we are our demons, our worst nightmares and we also are our own selves, but I’ll say it again, we are nobody else’s but ourselves. And when we decide to fight for our own selves for our happiness, we are meeting a formidable foe, for no one knows you better than yourself.

Never inflict pain upon yourself, emotional, physiological or psychological, intentionally because as Winnie The Pooh says, “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think” and loved more than you know. Winnie is always right, you know? Seriously, you are. If you managed to make it this far, it can be 14 years, 15, 16, 17, 18 19, 20, 40, 45 years, less or more, doesn’t matter you are.

Pain is twisted, but it makes us who we are, makes our story and shapes our future because we are all painfully human.

 

 

 

I Choose Happiness

So this is going to be a long rant, bear with me, please.

A lot of things happening around me had me thinking, till when do we need reminders that our happiness is just ours to define?

We let others take control of our lives and our happiness not realising we slowly are losing ourselves, we lock down our happiness and let the key fade away. We let others tear us apart and knock us down till we are too tired to get back up, our hearts are tired and so are our minds.

Life is a funny thing to me, so is happiness, sometimes I do agree with Aristotle that happiness in life is only defined after we have lived it, but sometimes I keep thinking of happiness in those passing fleeting moments, when are we truly happy?

So here I am, at 1.30 a.m. sleepless and thinking, am I happy?

Judging with my day, I have an amazing family, parents whom I love and absolutely adore, siblings who I love too and amazing people surrounding me.

I had given up my phone 3 weeks back, my reason? I was tired of it, completely tired and exhausted by people, living without a phone for 3 weeks, I thought it would have been unbearable, but frankly, I don’t miss it, though I should go back to it, I do need it anyways. I don’t absolutely want it but I do need it.

I wonder what made me come to the decision of keeping it far, I often think it’s because for so long I cared a lot about what others had to say about me, what comments I’d have in my social media accounts, how many new followers and what messages I had gotten, even though I may deny it all I want, I think part of me still does care. I did hand over my happiness to a lot of people, and now I want it all back.

I do feel liberated without it, it’s weird, but a good weird, to me at least.

 So to answer my question, I am happy, I feel happy, I smile and I laugh.

Sometimes it does feel like I’m trapped in my own mind, no matter how hard you try to escape, it’s like drowning, the more you struggle the more you drown deeper, or like a chord round your chest tightening till every last breath deserts you. It’s a feeling of being chased and a fear of the unknown, I may not know of tomorrow but right now I’m happy, as happy as I could be right now.

Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned, and no matter how hard you try to rise up after a fall, you just seem to be falling more, the same feeling of being trapped, crippling anxiety and lost breathes, however, if we never take charge of it, we are going to lose more than just happiness, we lose ourselves, and in that bit we kind of lose some of our humanity too.

We need constant reminders that these are our lives to live, each person is their own, we are our battles, we are our demons, our worst nightmares and we also are our own selves. We belong to nobody but ourselves, and so does our happiness.

I’m probably sleep deprived and this all sounds like a cheesy truck of words, but right now I feel kind of relieved putting it down, because, in the end, so many unspoken words just needed an audience.

Break free from yourself and be happy.

Because I choose to be happy.

So yes, happiness in all definitions, whether it was a happy life or a happy moment, belongs to nobody but yourself, so take charge of it, search for it, seek it in your everyday life, find it in all moments and once you do, never let it go.

 

 

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