Monsters and Nightmares

I’ve lived through nights I wish I hadn’t

I’ve wished for death even by my hand

I’ve carved my skin, deep enough to feel pain, deep enough to let go

I’ve witnessed nightmares even while awake

I wished for the ground to swallow me up

I’ve wished for the room to close me in

For the last breathe to leave my body

Just so I could escape this world

I can still feel

The hands on my neck

Squeezing, with no aim to let go.

I can still feel

The wandering hands on my body

Leaving a slimy feel

Painful, aimed to hurt

I can still see

The darkness of the corner

One that was safe

Only it wasn’t hard to be found

I can still smell

The dust underneath the bed

My refuge

Before I got dragged out

The nightmares that I live with

All remind me

Of a beast I’d wish to forget

Only he never left.

These are tears of a rose.

From nightmares and monsters.

It starts slowly,

Like a horror film,

Then comes the screams of a little girl,

Held down, head on the cold floor

Tears streaming down her face

She refuses to look at him

Her gaze falls on her little Barbie doll

She barely is 6 years old.

She can feel the pain

Feel the anger

And my screams merge with hers

Only, they were mine all along.

Silent cries for help.

Nobody comes to help.

The absolute terror,

When anyone grabs her suddenly

She hates the feeling of contact

For all she knows

Is to never trust anybody

Men and women alike

She is safe from nobody.

The anxiety

Like dipping in cold water on a freezing night

Like drowning in sea water. eyes wide open

Like suffocating, just like his hands on her neck

She sees her nightmares every time she closes her eyes

Sees her monsters every time she opens them up.

She wants not to be touched,

Believes not in love

Never had faith in trust

Never hoped for a better life

How do I let her know

Not all beings are monsters?

How do I stop myself,

From whisking her away in my arms

To hold her tight in my arms so she could cry

To have her in my embrace till she stopped sobbing

To hide her in my heart

So she can know of the love I have for her

How do I tell her?

That she’s beautiful

Absolutely amazing

How do I give her hope?

For a better tomorrow.

How do I tell her?

That tomorrow, The sun will rise again

It’ll be better

So let the rain wash away

The tears in your heart

Let His Light, heal your wounds

Believe, and let Him fade your scars.

Have hope in your Lord.

April 3rd 2018

I woke up scared of today

Scared of the people that lost their humanity

Scared of what would have happened

Terrified

I considered leaving my hijaab at home

Just for one day, I said

I was ready

Words in my mouth

Ready to deny my identity

Horrified of what these beings would do

I panicked everytime someone passed me by

Don’t walk alone

Trust nobody

Trepidation filled my body

Remembrance of my Lord repeatedly on my tongue

I was ready to be hit

Practised how to protect myself

To minimise damage

If they got me, maybe they’ll let me go

I would’ve loved to say

That I fear no human being

That I am brave

And would take it all bravely

But I’m not

And humans scare me.

I’m left praying

For myself, and all my fellow Muslims

May Allah protect you and keep you safe

From the evils that these humans bring

From the bigotry and Islamophobia

That we still face.

I do not want to live in fear

Terrorized because of my identity

Because of my religion

Where it spreads nothing but peace

So leave me in peace.

My Wonder Lady

As a mother, she has paradise underneath her feet

As a daughter, she gives honour and paradise to her parents

As a woman, her stature has been raised by the One above

She’s a wonder lady

Like an octopus, she balances eight things at a time

She’s courageous, taking on the world

Her armour is her modesty

Her weapon is her honour

She faces every day with bravery

Her heart is pure

Her soul is gold

Take her through fire

I’ll promise you, she comes out a diamond

She’s my inspiration

She’s my beautiful being.

Muslimah, raise your head

You need no validation from any being

For your status has always been high.

Her rights, have always been clear

Respect her

Educate her

Honour her

Cherish her

Love her

Then watch her flourish.

Broken and Beautiful

You are a wonder

An amazing being

Even beautiful

Doesn’t cover what I see in you

You are strong

You are brave

And may the fire in you

Blaze for eternity

When you were seven

You dealt with so much more

Than many have ever seen

Sexually abused

In the place you felt safest

When you were ten

You wanted to run away from it all

For home was just hell to you

Nobody understood

The fear you held

You couldn’t even meet

Your father’s eyes

Your mother never understood

At thirteen

You wanted to end it all

You couldn’t hold it in anymore

The fear you feel

The nightmares that never end

You started then

Harming your beautiful self

You got broken

Once too many times

The voices in your head

Only got louder with time

Words hurt deeper than wounds

Beautiful Being, you are not alone

You are beautiful, for each crack in your soul

You are beautiful, for each mark on your body

You are beautiful, for all your flaws and more

Beautiful Being,

I am in awe of you.

At twenty

Here you are

Spreading your wings

Attempting to fly

Still in pain, but healing inside

For every single day, I thank God you are alive

I see you chasing your dreams

And I know you’ll be fine

You light up a candle

So bright in my heart

For every trial you’ve been through

I am in awe of that smile

Beautiful being

Your story has just began

Let yourself live

To see better things

Let yourself enjoy

Every morning’s sunrise

Enjoy

The smell of rain

The scent of fresh coffee

The fragrance of a blooming flower

You are yet to travel each country

You are yet to meet your perfect match

You are yet to love once more

With every day comes a new beginning

And I’ll be here

All through the way

Beautiful being

You inspire me every day.

May your story be a legacy

So that they may know

Of this Beautiful being

That was broken down

But rose up again

That was teared down

And stitched her self up

Who was pushed down

And picked herself up

Who thought of ending her life

But lives to see each sunset through

Because of her, I have hope I’ll make it too

Who says proudly

I’M STILL ALIVE

BROKEN AND TORN APART

BUT STILL BREATHING AND ALIVE

Each sunset shows the end of one day

But I promise the sun shall rise again.

Till the end arrives.

Beautiful being.

I love you.

To Poetry

To the poets

Who choose to say

What they feel

When the sun goes down

And they are left alone

To battle their fears

To face their demons

And choose to share

To lend a hand

To those still stuck in battle.

Thank you.

To Poetry.

For giving me a chance

To say what I want

How I want

For allowing me

To express

In order to inspire

Before I expire

Thank you.

To those who read

Understand

See the effort in each word

Feel the emotions between each line

For trying to understand

A poet’s mind

And people of their kind

Thank you.

To you

Reading this

To support a friend

To understand her plight

Maybe help in her fight

As she battles her mind

Thank you.

FOR MY PEOPLE

I wish I could do more.

I sit and cry out my heart

I’ll bow down and pray with all I have

I shall stand and make my voice heard.

But still I wish I could do more.

I will help out where I can.

Yet my heart bleeds for I cannot do more.

I cannot bear to watch the violence

I cannot stand the blood.

I do not want any more numbers going up the death toll.

500+ and the number keeps rising

To many, they are just body counts

To the rest they are family

They are friends

They are students

They are children

They are human.

And in the streets flow blood

And in the rubble lay my people.

And as much as the world is silent.

I want to speak out as loud as I can.

I want to do more.

Until I am able to do that.

I write here

In appeal to your hearts

Raise your voices

But also

Raise your hands in prayers.

For my people of Ghouta

For my family in Palestine

For my friends in Yemen

For my loved ones in Somalia

For everyone in pain and suffering

Raise them so that they can be heard.

I AM A WOMAN

I’m a woman of power

A lady of honour

An empress

And I stand with my fellow queens

I am a woman

A shrouded mystery

A gem, ready to shine

I am a woman

With a voice

An opinion that matters

For I am a Woman

What I need is respect

Love and care

Respect me

Respect my choices

Respect my decisions

For I am a woman

I am a daughter

I am a sister

I am a mother

I am a niece

I am a wife

I am a friend

I am a Woman.

Listen to me as I talk

Watch me as I rise

I stand hand in hand

With all ny fellow women

We have been through a lot

Missing cases never investigated

Rape cases never followed up

Abuse cases always ignored

Let’s NOT forget the blame we are forced to carry

I am a woman

And hear me speak.

Listen, and Listen well

I am educated

I am strong

I am brave

And I will fight for what i believe in.

No more shall I hide

No more shall I cower

For I do not stand alone

I am a woman

Calling all other women together

Let us empower not belittle

Let us support not loathe

Let us love and not hate

For together, we stand stronger.

I am a woman

Here to stay

Here to last

I am a Woman

So listen, once more.

I am not to be tossed aside.

I am NOT to be ignored.

And as I rise, I am not to be brought down.

I am not an object.

I am not a belonging.

I am a woman of myself.

Not again shall I allow to be used.

To be abused.

I am a Woman

And beyond.

I Cry

I cry for my distressed soul.

I cry not knowing when I shall depart .

I cry not knowing what state I shall leave in.

I cry for myself and for you too.

I cry.

I cry out for mercy.

I cry out for forgiveness.

I cry for how quickly I forget my tears.

I cry for I know I’m not ready to meet My Lord .

I cry, Ya Rabb! I cry out for you.

I cry out My Lord forgive my ignorant soul.

I cry, Ya Rabb, have mercy on my ungrateful self.

I cry out, for in the dark of the night I remember all my wrongs.

I cry out, Ya Rabb, take me only when you are pleased with me.

I cry out Ya Rahman, for the ones I have wronged.

I cry out Ya Saater, protect me, conceal my faults.

I cry out for you Allah.

I cry out for your love and compassion.

I cry out for my people in Syria, Yemen and Palestine.

I cry out for relief for my family in Somalia and Burma.

I cry out most though, for those that have all, yet still don’t have You.

I cry out, I’m on my knees Ya Ilaah!

I cry out for my family, guide them ya Rabb.

I cry out for my siblings, Show them the right path.

I cry out for my Parents, Ya Rabb show them mercy for they showed me mercy.

I cry out for you my Lord, forgive me, have mercy on me and give me strength to persevere.

Shadowed

Hidden

Keep it away

Don’t let it show

Let it stay shadowed

Never let your demons see the light.

There only needs a little darkness

For the shadows to come to life

Crashing,

Overflowing blood

Panic,

Sets in my bones

I can hear the screams

On and on

Can’t seem to leave

There’s no way to go.

Caged

Like an animal in rage

Trapped

In a darkness

Then it’s too much light

I’m out of my mind

Can anybody please hear me out?

I can’t seem to stomach it

No need to feed

I want to be perfect

I sit down to eat

Only to retch it all up

No self control

No one seems to ever understand.

Man up!

Real men don’t cry

Stop being such a girl

You’re Muslim, we don’t get depressed

Don’t eat if you don’t want to, no one’s forcing you

Leave the theatrics, those are Westernized diseases

Do you want everyone to know you’re crazy?

I would like to be strong

Never vulnerable

Never emotional

Never human

I would be Superman,

But he also has his Kryptonite.

So who am I to be?

I’m hot then I’m cold

Stuck somewhere

Never fitting in

I’m angry, furious actually

In a rage I don’t understand

I’m breaking down, Chipping away

All done, while wearing a smile

Guys are human too, they need a shoulder to lean on, a word of encouragement. In our African society, sadly, this is not fully recognized. Men CANNOT SIMPLY be human.

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