I Choose Happiness

So this is going to be a long rant, bear with me, please.

A lot of things happening around me had me thinking, till when do we need reminders that our happiness is just ours to define?

We let others take control of our lives and our happiness not realising we slowly are losing ourselves, we lock down our happiness and let the key fade away. We let others tear us apart and knock us down till we are too tired to get back up, our hearts are tired and so are our minds.

Life is a funny thing to me, so is happiness, sometimes I do agree with Aristotle that happiness in life is only defined after we have lived it, but sometimes I keep thinking of happiness in those passing fleeting moments, when are we truly happy?

So here I am, at 1.30 a.m. sleepless and thinking, am I happy?

Judging with my day, I have an amazing family, parents whom I love and absolutely adore, siblings who I love too and amazing people surrounding me.

I had given up my phone 3 weeks back, my reason? I was tired of it, completely tired and exhausted by people, living without a phone for 3 weeks, I thought it would have been unbearable, but frankly, I don’t miss it, though I should go back to it, I do need it anyways. I don’t absolutely want it but I do need it.

I wonder what made me come to the decision of keeping it far, I often think it’s because for so long I cared a lot about what others had to say about me, what comments I’d have in my social media accounts, how many new followers and what messages I had gotten, even though I may deny it all I want, I think part of me still does care. I did hand over my happiness to a lot of people, and now I want it all back.

I do feel liberated without it, it’s weird, but a good weird, to me at least.

 So to answer my question, I am happy, I feel happy, I smile and I laugh.

Sometimes it does feel like I’m trapped in my own mind, no matter how hard you try to escape, it’s like drowning, the more you struggle the more you drown deeper, or like a chord round your chest tightening till every last breath deserts you. It’s a feeling of being chased and a fear of the unknown, I may not know of tomorrow but right now I’m happy, as happy as I could be right now.

Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned, and no matter how hard you try to rise up after a fall, you just seem to be falling more, the same feeling of being trapped, crippling anxiety and lost breathes, however, if we never take charge of it, we are going to lose more than just happiness, we lose ourselves, and in that bit we kind of lose some of our humanity too.

We need constant reminders that these are our lives to live, each person is their own, we are our battles, we are our demons, our worst nightmares and we also are our own selves. We belong to nobody but ourselves, and so does our happiness.

I’m probably sleep deprived and this all sounds like a cheesy truck of words, but right now I feel kind of relieved putting it down, because, in the end, so many unspoken words just needed an audience.

Break free from yourself and be happy.

Because I choose to be happy.

So yes, happiness in all definitions, whether it was a happy life or a happy moment, belongs to nobody but yourself, so take charge of it, search for it, seek it in your everyday life, find it in all moments and once you do, never let it go.

 

 

DEAR ME

Dear Me,

Hello, it’s me

I come bearing a message,

From past me, and present me,

So future me, when you read this

Know it’s from me, who loves you more than I

Be patient

Be bold

Be brave

Be firm

Whenever you fall,

Stand up tall

Bear with me

Laugh and cry

Smile and mourn

Climb trees

Trek mountains

Swing and swim

Live life

Don’t just exist

Never lose hope

Never lose belief

Don’t ever let go of your faith

Never let go of your morals

Safeguard your trust

Uphold your dignity

Live with honour and pride

You are beautiful and smart

Live with humility

Live with love

In the end

You’ll be left with just me

So Dear me,

Live. Laugh. Love

Hope. Pray. Wish

Believe.

I Wonder

I wonder how it’ll feel

When I let go 

How many will hurt?

How many will cry?

I wonder of those I’d have left behind

Those I left and those that got away

I wonder how it’ll feel to cut loose

Would it be like falling through never ending skies

Or would it be like diving into dark deep waters

Would it hurt when I crash and burn

I wonder of those I’d have left behind

Those I left and those that got away

I wonder how it’d all be when I leave

Would I bid adieu

Would I go too soon

Would anyone miss me

I wonder of those I’d have left behind

Those I left and those that got away

Would you miss me when I’m gone 

Would you love me still

Would you pray for me till the day we meet again

To all those I’d leave and those that will get away 

Tell me now, is it worth holding on?

I AM WHO I AM

With klutzy grace

And a toothy smile

A swag in my walk

I am who I am.

 

Full of dreams

Making wishes as I go

Painting the sky as I move

I am who I am.

 

Above my throne I sit

Raised high by none other than me

I sing praises and compliment me

For I am who I am.

 

I raise my head high

Glorified and blessed I am

Honored and graced by Him

I am who I am

 

With a curl of my lips

A sway in my hips

I dance and celebrate

The woman in me

For I am who I am.

 

 

LOVING MYSELF

Instead of a poem today, I want to share my story, my journey to self-love, I love myself now and that’s not a secret.

LIGHT IN MY HEART

I never used to think about how I looked, I was okay as best as I could be, till four years ago.

I developed a tiny boil kind of mark on my face, being the clumsy person I am, I thought it must have been from my Kitchen accidents, I have quite a  record in little accidents here and there, so I never gave it much thought. A week later, I had more than 25 boil-like things on my face, neck and back.

They hurt like burns and sure looked like burns too, I didn’t think much on the scars because one, I panicked and  a couple of Google Searches later I was sure I had skin cancer,(Never again playing Doctor on Google).

A Doctor’s trip later, I was diagnosed with an allergic reaction to a Cold Medicine I was using.

It was only after leaving the Doctor’s that I realised the depth of the reaction, I had boil like burns all over my face and arms, How  was I gonna go out?

My Mama let me rest for 2 days as I prepped myself into leaving the safety of my home, my own siblings were disgusted by the marks, my little brother afraid of me and moreover, I hated how I looked.

With the little Courage I had, I put on a face veil (Niqaab), and boarded the bus to school. Prepping myself I removed it upon  reaching School Grounds.

Many friends failed me that time, I felt the stares, saw the pointing fingers and heard the rumours.

Apparently, I was in a gang fight and got acid thrown on me (Cases had been heard of this occurring), I was cooking and spilt oil on myself, (My clumsiness was popular), I had bleached myself and possibly earned a spot on Blotched! (Face bleaching and backfires are popular everywhere).

Most thought it best to come up with their own theories. A close friend, was the first to approach me and ask me what had happened, after the rumours spinning everywhere, I was happy to tell her.

I lost many friends and got stares as I passed by, It was weirdly fascinating for people as much as it was painful for me. I got a teacher who “felt pitiful to everybody who saw me” I was a scene from a horror movie to her, and one who “hoped I did not come out home looking like that,”. To say I was feeling down is an understatement.

I struggled with pretending those words didn’t hurt,  I got many more, but from those I least expected.

Two weeks later, with the burns still up and raging, a trip to another Derma proved that I had a skin condition called Bullous Pemphigoid or a relative of it.

Due to the heavy dosages of steroids, I gained weight hard and fast, pairing the scars with extra weight.

Then crushing me were the fat comments, I couldn’t fit into my jeans, nor my dresses. I had chipmunk cheeks and gained more in a month than people gain in a year.

A ‘Counsellor’ called me out in class telling me “to go easy on the food, I was fat”

Reclusive and quiet I became from the Bubbly Cheery me that I once  was.

Family picked on my weight, Aunties gave me tips on how to lose fat fast, everyone compared me to my sister, and to my previous self.

I started starving myself, I stopped eating at home and skipped meals in school. I continued having meds on an empty tummy, just making sure I had enough not to feel faint. When forced to it I would chuck it down the first washroom I came across.

Instead of losing weight, I gained more and more.

I realised one day, that words will never affect me so long as I do not let them.

Slowly by slowly, I accepted myself, and my scars and my body.

I was scarred and broken, but I was also me.

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I fell in love with myself as long as I knew, I would never let words hurt me and define me.

I let out most negativity in my life, stopped responding to fat jokes and cut out those dragging me down.

With the help of My Lord, I learned to love me, myself and I.

Dhubba (Large Beast) became a nick name and less of an insult.

I grew the courage to stop wearing heavy make up as a cover up when I left home.

Don’t just love my smile, love me,  my scars, my flaws.

Contrary to what people say, I believe my scars and my past define me, without them I don’t have a story to tell, I lose myself and who I am.

They remind me of what I have passed through and what I have gone through, I am stronger than what I struggled with, I fought and I won, scarred but I won.

They shaped me to who I am today, all the little imperfections that make me imperfectly perfect.

To all those quick to judge someone on their appearances, Bless your little hearts if you think your judgements reflect another’s story, your thinking defines you, you as a person and as a human, next time don’t voice your opinions when they are totally unasked for, Kindly do keep the negativity to yourself, you do not know me, nor do you know my story.

Yes, I currently am a fat happy person, with scars on me, but I am who I am and I love me.

Next time I want extra potatoes, I will have extra potatoes with extra cheese.

I myself define me.

I choose to either live in negativity or positive vibes.

I choose my own path

I alone  am responsible for my happiness.

I will not, never again, give somebody the power to bring me down.

For I love myself and I took a pledge.

I TAKE MY PLEDGE

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Hold On Dear Heart

When I stumble and fall

When I stammer and stop

When I get tired of reaching out

When I lose more than just myself

And I lose some more

And I feel so helpless

And so tired

Exhausted from it all

Bow down and pray

Seek His guidance

Ask Him for patience

Have Patience, Dear Heart

Be Calm, Dear Heart

It only needs tearing down, before it becomes stronger

Verily after hardship there is ease

After trouble comes better times

Be patient, Dear Heart

When I’m about to give up

Remind me of the good days

Remind me of the happy times

Let me remember the beauty of life

The blessings I still have.

When I tear down, patch me up

When I fall, get me back up

When I frown, make me smile 

Remind me, Dear Heart.

And be patient.

In facing whatever hardships you are going through remember to be patient, bow down your head and pray, pray till it gets better and when it does, pray some more.

I Shall Vote

On an empty stomach

Holding a dying baby, 

No doctors in sight

I shall Vote

As my brother falls in battle

And my cows to their deaths

And as my crops dry up

No worries, I shall vote.

As hunger and famine plague me 

And the rivers dry up

Water, but a passing memory

I shall Vote.

I shall vote for one,

Who cares about me and my children

Me and my needs

Me, the common Mwananchi

For I shall Vote.

For one honest and true

Just and wise

Humane and a true leader

I shall Vote hungry, thirsty and sick

But nevertheless, I shall vote.

To The Proud Parents

Mabrouk Alf Mabrouk

For the little bundle of joy

Like Farid, let him be unique

Precious like Fatma

Understanding like Fahmy

May Allah bless him and give him

A heart of gold like Abubakr (RA)

A sense of justice like Umar (RA)

Generosity like Uthman (RA)

Bravery like Ali (RA)

Courage like Khalid Bin Walid (RA)

Mercy like Abu Hureira (RA)

To the proud parents,

Like Fayaz, May Allah give him success in this world and the here after.

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