TILL I LOVE ME

Shallow standards of beauty are what I grew up seeing.

Perfect height, weight and assets to complement.

So anything other than that was not beautiful.

It simply could not be beautiful.

I always wondered about it.

For I see beauty in a smile,

Beauty in tears,

Beauty in pain

And beauty in a storm.

I am astonished by strength,

Intrigued by bravery

And inspired by courage.

I see beauty in a stroke of a painter’s brush,

In a paragraph of a writer’s book,

And in the words of a poet.

I see beauty in almost everything I encounter.

What I did not see, was beauty in me.

I fell in love with the passionate souls that choose to believe in their ability to create art.

I wonder what would someone find beautiful?

Plain brown eyes. Dull skin and messy hair?

I look at the mirror every day and wonder how anyone would think that I was beautiful.

Not only in my appearance, but for who I am too.

Would someone like me when I ramble on?

Would anyone see beauty in what i write?

Would anyone see the pain in my words and choose to stay?

Is there beauty in who I am?

I wish I had an answer. I don’t.

And even if somebody said yes, I probably would not believe it.

Not right now.

Not until I believe in myself.

Until I love me.

I am learning, to love myself for everything I am and what I do.

For my weird habits and silly rambles.

For who I am.

And also, for how I look.

Until I love me. I shall continue searching for these answers.

Or maybe once I know. I wouldn’t need any answers.

When I find one thing I like,

I’d find a thousand more to hate

Little things to always pick on.

For I will know the truth.

Until I forgive myself

For all that I have done

For all the mistakes I wronged myself

For the pain I put myself through.

Maybe then I’d learn to forgive others too.

I do not see this at all.

I justify all the wrongs I have faced with what I see in the mirror.

I look at the reflection and I don’t see someone who deserves to be happy.

I see broken pieces

I see shards

I see secrets

I see lies and sins

How can someone live with a person like this?

Till then, when I learn to love me all

All the broken pieces and cracks

Then, I wait for.

I do sometimes,

Like the happiness behind a smile

When I smile and my reflection smiles back.

For then I know, I can still be happy.

The nights I fear most,

Is those I feel nothing

Never ending numbness

No hate

No love

No pain

No hurt

Those I fear.

When I force myself to feel.

Worry not,

I have not despaired

For the Believers, there is no despair

I hope the day comes soon

When I love picking up a pen and writing again

When I feel the warmth of a loving gaze

When I smile from my heart

And let it show on my face

When I can say

With assuringly

And truly

I love me

For my self

For my being

For who I am

For what I do

For what I’ve been through

And for all that I’m about to be.

Till I love me

I AM A WOMAN

I’m a woman of power

A lady of honour

An empress

And I stand with my fellow queens

I am a woman

A shrouded mystery

A gem, ready to shine

I am a woman

With a voice

An opinion that matters

For I am a Woman

What I need is respect

Love and care

Respect me

Respect my choices

Respect my decisions

For I am a woman

I am a daughter

I am a sister

I am a mother

I am a niece

I am a wife

I am a friend

I am a Woman.

Listen to me as I talk

Watch me as I rise

I stand hand in hand

With all ny fellow women

We have been through a lot

Missing cases never investigated

Rape cases never followed up

Abuse cases always ignored

Let’s NOT forget the blame we are forced to carry

I am a woman

And hear me speak.

Listen, and Listen well

I am educated

I am strong

I am brave

And I will fight for what i believe in.

No more shall I hide

No more shall I cower

For I do not stand alone

I am a woman

Calling all other women together

Let us empower not belittle

Let us support not loathe

Let us love and not hate

For together, we stand stronger.

I am a woman

Here to stay

Here to last

I am a Woman

So listen, once more.

I am not to be tossed aside.

I am NOT to be ignored.

And as I rise, I am not to be brought down.

I am not an object.

I am not a belonging.

I am a woman of myself.

Not again shall I allow to be used.

To be abused.

I am a Woman

And beyond.

CONFUSION

This feeling

It’s confusing

As if I’m losing

Or I’ve already lost

My heart pains

And my soul aches

Incomplete

Flawed

I see my self

And I’m not pleased

I mourn for what could be

I am scared

Terrified of what it could mean

What am I about to lose?

Is it a loved one?

Or is it me?

If it is I

As I think it is

I’m sorry to all I have wronged

I beseech to them so they may forgive me

I cry to my Lord, so that He can have mercy on me

I wish to be remembered in prayers and in goodness

Forgive my wrongs

Conceal my faults

Soon.

Still confused.

On how I feel.

If I’m not to be there

Remember me

For the little I did

Forgive me, for my wrongs

I regret my sins.

I am terrified of it all.

For when I see myself,

I see what could have been and not what is.

And for that alone.

I am terrified.

I Cry

I cry for my distressed soul.

I cry not knowing when I shall depart .

I cry not knowing what state I shall leave in.

I cry for myself and for you too.

I cry.

I cry out for mercy.

I cry out for forgiveness.

I cry for how quickly I forget my tears.

I cry for I know I’m not ready to meet My Lord .

I cry, Ya Rabb! I cry out for you.

I cry out My Lord forgive my ignorant soul.

I cry, Ya Rabb, have mercy on my ungrateful self.

I cry out, for in the dark of the night I remember all my wrongs.

I cry out, Ya Rabb, take me only when you are pleased with me.

I cry out Ya Rahman, for the ones I have wronged.

I cry out Ya Saater, protect me, conceal my faults.

I cry out for you Allah.

I cry out for your love and compassion.

I cry out for my people in Syria, Yemen and Palestine.

I cry out for relief for my family in Somalia and Burma.

I cry out most though, for those that have all, yet still don’t have You.

I cry out, I’m on my knees Ya Ilaah!

I cry out for my family, guide them ya Rabb.

I cry out for my siblings, Show them the right path.

I cry out for my Parents, Ya Rabb show them mercy for they showed me mercy.

I cry out for you my Lord, forgive me, have mercy on me and give me strength to persevere.

I WILL FIGHT

One swipe and it shall be gone

One press and you’ll stop feeling

One choice, it’ll only be a second

Is it worth it though?

I feel it when I lay on my bed

Disruptive thoughts

Am I worth it?

Am I ever going to be?

I realize that,

I’ve never been someone’s first

Not first priority

Not the first choice

Or have I?

I’ve never been needed

Never been chosen

Never someone’s best friend

Never someone’s number one

Or have I?

As I lay there

I forget

I forget of two parents who love me

I forget of the siblings I grew up with

Because at that moment

I want to be selfish

Uncaring

I want to feel pain

So I let myself forget

I forget of My Creator

Who blesses me and Loves me

I forget of my Prophet

Who loves me,

Cried for me before knowing me.

“Ummaty, Ummaty”

“My People, My People”

I forget about everyone who cares

Trying to trick my self that no one does

So when I pain, I justify it

Nobody cares anyway

You don’t matter anyway

I’m wrong

I hope to be wrong

I will fight for that chance

That hope for tomorrow

I will fight to live

I will fight to survive

I choose to be brave

I choose to be strong

I’ll fight.

And when I forget

I’ll fight to remember.

Even if it’s a fight against my mind

I will fight.

Heading Home

I’ve felt it, the lowest point.

Felt like I couldn’t breathe,

My chest hurt,

My heart was shredding into pieces,

And it was too quiet,

Enough to hear each shatter.

I kept to myself,

Detached everyone else,

Too safe, too lonely,

Too alone, too cold.

So scared to reach out,

So scared to be found out.

I felt everything at once,

Then felt nothing at all.

Despair, hopelessness, fear

Anger, Fear, Hate.

I COULDN’T BREATHE.

Then I did, felt nothing at all.

I pressed hard, hit hard.

Let me feel something.

If not, bring the pain.

Let it crush me.

Let it hold me.

Let it pain me.

Enough to let me know I was alive

I was breathing. I was alive.

Still I was restless. Hopeless.

My mind wouldn’t shut up.

My heart won’t settle.

I cried. And I cried some more.

Held my head, as I let my tears flow.

Oh God, did I wish to let go.

To go and let it all go.

Everything and nothing at all.

I felt it all, then nothing at all.

I heard it, play again and again

Every comment

Every word

Every joke

Every laugh

Every blow

Every mark

Again and again

Then again and again.

I wished I could tear it all apart.

Every feature.

Every mark.

I’d have done it.

If I didn’t pause to think.

Why? What wouldit solve?

Today, it’s me.

Tomorrow, it would be somebody else

Not now.

Not today.

Return home.

Head back.

You’ve forgotten the way, it’s not too late

As long as you still breathe

Head His Way

Return to Your Lord, O despaired soul

So I cried again,

Bowed my head, Then cried some more

Lord, Forgive me.

Have mercy on my soul.

Lord of the Heavens

Lord if the Earth

And everything in between

Have Mercy on my soul.

To be human is to forget

I forgot my way again

Lost in the Earthly hollowness

Dived in the Worldy shallowness

I forgot, the way to My Lord

Indulged my self in everything the world offered

Until I wasn’t satisfied anymore

I realized it again

So I cried, hit my chest,

And cried some more

Return me to You

Ya Rabb

Forgive me and have mercy on my soul

I’m lost

So guide me Home

Where my heart shall be in peace

My mind shall be settled

My tongue shall sing Your Praises

Guide me to the correct path

Protect me from all evils

When I stumble and fall,

Ya Allah, give me strength to stand back up

When I lose,

Ya Kareem, give me patience to try again.

When I am afflicted,

Ya Ghaffaar, have mercy on my soul.

I’m heading home.

DREAM ON.

To those waiting on a star

To wish upon one

For someone to acknowledge their efforts

Dream On.

For those laying down

Gazing up on the sky

Waiting for encouragement

Dream On.

For those toiling on and on, day through night

Making their dreams a reality, failing and standing back up

Working on their wishes, a step at a time

You finally achieved your dream.

For too long we fail to notice it, dependency on others to realize our full potential. We wait for acknowledgement, encouragement and a cheerleader to move on and chase our dreams.

We fail to realize that we are waiting on others to fight our battles.

We depend on people too much till we forget our end goal, our dream amd we are left chasing mere words.

Encouragement and acknowledgements are good. Very much well appreciated, but those that mean the most are those from within.

Why wait for someone to hype you up when you can be and ought to be your biggest cheerleader? Why wait for someone to encourage you to do what you must do to achieve it?

You want to get good grades? Why wait for someone to tell you to study? Wake up and do it yourself!

Want to be featured in NatGeo? Wake up at 3 am, climb that mountain and capture that sunrise. Enjoy the calmness once you’ve achieved the prefect picture, but for now you have to keep on climbing. Don’t get comfortable where you are, a lot of dreams end up unfulfilled because we got too cosy. Rest up, take a breathe, enjoy the view, but if you want to enjoy it all you have to keep on climbing. You can do it, I believe in you.

But if you still need SOMEBODY ELSE to help you achieve YOUR dream, well then, Dream On.

Happy Birthday To Me

Dear 20 year old self,

I wish you a life full of happiness

May blessings come your way

May you succeed in all beneficial endeavours you undertake

May you bring life and joy in each turn you take

May your life be long, full of bliss and smiles

May it be wonderful, each day let yourself shine

Dear Self,

May your heart be pure from evil

Your tongue cleansed from lies

Your company rid of negativity

Your soul protected from sadness

Dearest,

As you grow older, may you grow happier

As you take on life, may you grow wiser

As you live life, may you be livelier

My prayer for you, my self.

I advise you as I write this, be courteous and polite

Humble and kind

Smart and wise

Follow your dreams, never give up.

Follow your heart, when it directs you to your Lord

Be proud, not arrogant

Be confident, don’t overdo it

Be courageous, not foolish

Be brave, Behave.

Let your principles guide you,

Let your Book show you the way.

Let your modesty be your shield

Take on the world, a smile at a time.

You are beautiful, one of a kind,

Let no one dull your shine.

Dear Self, Happy Birthday to You!

Breathe

Pull words from your soul

Like a magician pulls tricks from his hat

Let the words flow

Like water in rivers

Let your voice be heard

As clear and as loud as a warrior’s cry

Say what you feel

Don’t conceal

Not anymore

Stand up

Learn to fight

Fight for yourself

And Your rights

Lead, you are strong

Lean, you also need help

Look, it all will make sense

Listen, you need to prepare

Live, life leaves in a moment

Rise and dust yourself

This is just the beginning

When friends turn to foes

Relish in the time you have

Replenish yourself, alas you are human.

Breathe.

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