💔

Drifting away into numbness

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

Save me

Before it’s too late

I weep for the girl that was

Smiling and ever happy

I wish not to be stuck

Smiling in pain

Let my tears flow

Before they turn red

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

Drowning

Clutching to all straws

Fading away

Into an emotionless pit

Listen to my heart

Forget my words

I’ll say I’m fine

When I’m anything but

Hold me tight

Help me fight

My demons taking the best of me

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

I’m lost

I’m wandering

Like a ghost

Haunting nothing but myself

Nightmares merging in to my reality

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

Aid me before it’s too late

💔

Drifting away into numbness

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

Save me

Before it’s too late

I weep for the girl that was

Smiling and ever happy

I wish not to be stuck

Smiling in pain

Let my tears flow

Before they turn red

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

Drowning

Clutching to all straws

Fading away

Into an emotionless pit

Listen to my heart

Forget my words

I’ll say I’m fine

When I’m anything but

Hold me tight

Help me fight

My demons taking the best of me

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

I’m lost

I’m wandering

Like a ghost

Haunting nothing but myself

Nightmares merging in to my reality

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

Aid me before it’s too late

Slowly losing my mind

Slowly losing my smile

Slowly losing myself

Overwhelmed

Too much to feel

Too loud voices

Too fast

Too many thoughts

I can’t

Not anymore

I want to give up all I know

Just to get some peace

Some quiet

Some calm

So I can rest

Finally at peace

Yet beyond the darkness

I see no light

For the life I have been living

Does not earn me the peace

I deserve not the mercy

I do not despair

I just realize

Before my time comes

I want to be at peace

With My Creator

With my soul

With my heart

With my companions

So I can leave

Without feeling guilty

Without feeling sad

Without this noose tightening around my neck

Without this weight crashing in my chest

I lost the only light I ever knew

The purity of bowing to My Lord

The calm when I prostrate

The light in my heart when I end my prayer

The pause in this fast life once I start

And yet I wondered why everything is crashing around me

When I disregarded my shield

When I nearly threw away my peace

And helpless as I am

Will I be strong enough to find it again?

If I find the rope of my Lord once more

Will I have the courage to hold on?

Once I get on the path to my Lord

Will I be brave enough to steer on?

I fail.

I fail

I fail

But still there is time

Till the last breathe leaves my body

Till the sun rises from the West

I turn back to my Lord

In repentance

Asking for Mercy

Begging for forgiveness

I promise with all that is in me

To hold on for dear life

Try my best to never let go

Mercy, my Lord, Mercy

Give me strength to never go astray from Your path

Give me light to illuminate my way

Give my soul steadfastness to remain firm in faith

I humbly return to you My Lord

Take my soul, only when you are pleased with me

Give me a life that is blessed and fulfilling

Remove this emptiness from my heart

And fill it with Your Love

My Lord!

I pray for Your Love.

I pray for Your Mercy

I pray for Your repentance.

Show me mercy Your Lord.

Weeping Heart

I feel my chest heavy

My eyes watery

I know you

Sadly, I knew you

A kind smile

Joyful eyes

A kind heart

A beautiful soul

Yet, I still can’t see you

I tried picturing your face

Yet it still evades me

Maybe this is my punishment

For forgetting you

I never should have stopped

Looking for you

I should have called

I should have texted more

My weeping heart bleeds

I wish I did more

Now you’ve left us

With your beautiful soul

I pray that you’re in the highest Jannah

I still will look for you

And I’ll remember you

When I open my Holy Qur’aan

When I hear a new hadeeth

When I try reading Tafseer

When I bow my head in prayer

I may not remember your face

But your memories are in my heart

I pray that your soul finds peace

I pray for patience for your family

I pray for strength

And I pray I see your face again

Maybe my weeping heart will not hurt as much

Dear Sister, I love you.

اللهم اغفر لها وارحمها واسكنها فسيح جناته

اللهم اغفر لها وارحمها وعافها واعف عنها ووسع مدخلها واكرم نزلها ووسع مدخلها

(O Allah, forgive her, and have mercy on her

O Allah, forgive her, and have mercy on her, and heal her, and heal her, and widen her entrance, and honor her inn, and widen her entrance)

May Allah bring peace and strength to all those who’ve lost loved ones in their lives. 💚

I FEEL

I did a survey, one day ago. A post I saw on Twitter.

‘I need help’ and ‘I love you’ were the most replies. ‘I’m hurting’ came really close too and ‘I apologize’ had the least.

But it all comes down to our feelings I guess.

We hide our true feelings behind masks and now behind the screens of our devices.

I guess what we fear the most is the reply to whatever we say.

We fear the scrutiny that society and now social media that comes with admitting what we feel.

I feel.

I am human so I feel.

I personally, might be among the people who hardly admit when they need help.

I’d rather get lost and wander in a new town for hours for what was meant to be a 10 minute errand. (Trust me it happened)

I’d rather retreat in my shell and put a cap on anything negative that I feel than talking about it.

I’d rather drag myself to the hospital alone than worry anybody when I’m sick.

I realize it’s wrong.

We have friends and family for this reason and many more.

When we’re down, talk to somebody.

When you love, admit it

When you hurt, seek help

When we wrong, ask for forgiveness.

When we’re lost, ask for directions

We are not lonely islands drifting in the sea

Nor are we lone cacti in the desert

We are humans and so we feel

And others have felt what we feel

They can help

I realize admitting one’s feelings on something may go wrong

But what if goes right?

What if it does work out?

What if it all falls into place?

From today onwards, I look forward to saying what I feel in hopes it helps one admit theirs.

Love, care and kindness are too precious for one to just hold on to alone. Spread the feelings.

You are not a pre-programmed robot trained to eat, work, sleep and wake.

Love in the moment with joy and happiness.

Trust in a Higher Power looking after you and paving the way for you.

I feel relieved as I type this out.

I love you. ❤

Shadowed

Hidden

Keep it away

Don’t let it show

Let it stay shadowed

Never let your demons see the light.

There only needs a little darkness

For the shadows to come to life

Crashing,

Overflowing blood

Panic,

Sets in my bones

I can hear the screams

On and on

Can’t seem to leave

There’s no way to go.

Caged

Like an animal in rage

Trapped

In a darkness

Then it’s too much light

I’m out of my mind

Can anybody please hear me out?

I can’t seem to stomach it

No need to feed

I want to be perfect

I sit down to eat

Only to retch it all up

No self control

No one seems to ever understand.

Man up!

Real men don’t cry

Stop being such a girl

You’re Muslim, we don’t get depressed

Don’t eat if you don’t want to, no one’s forcing you

Leave the theatrics, those are Westernized diseases

Do you want everyone to know you’re crazy?

I would like to be strong

Never vulnerable

Never emotional

Never human

I would be Superman,

But he also has his Kryptonite.

So who am I to be?

I’m hot then I’m cold

Stuck somewhere

Never fitting in

I’m angry, furious actually

In a rage I don’t understand

I’m breaking down, Chipping away

All done, while wearing a smile

Guys are human too, they need a shoulder to lean on, a word of encouragement. In our African society, sadly, this is not fully recognized. Men CANNOT SIMPLY be human.

See, I’m Still Alive

See growing up was hard, especially if you felt what I went through, seen what I’d been through. I ask for no pity no worry and please, don’t question me.

It’s happened, over and done with. See, let me break it down for you. I’ve dealt with depression by myself, how did you know? Well, I’ve felt the sick pleasure of hurting myself, see, I’m stupidly smart, learned how to feel pain leaving no scars.

I’ve spent sleepless nights, insomniac and living. I’ve starved myself, living on nothing but water and air. I’ve contemplated running away from home, school and life. I’ve been stuck in nightmares, lived through hell and see, I’ve made it so far, scarred, scared, broken but very much alive. I need not your pity, sympathy nor tears, and please, keep your questions to your self. I’ve lived through insults, let me tell you, those that hurt most are those from those you love the most. I’ve lived through them all, see, yet I’m still alive.

I’ve laid in bed wondering why me? Why shouldn’t I just relieve them all, it’ll be as they said, as if I never existed. They wish I never did most of the times anyway, I’m a shame, a disgrace, a scar they should hide. I never fit in among them anyways. See, let my tears flow, I don’t understand why you are crying, its my life, not yours, please keep your tears, hands and words to your self. I’m still alive you know.

You never cared, when you leave you’ll forget about me, forget about my story, forget I ever existed. Don’t deny it, I know you will. I’m not extraordinary nor am I special. Just a stupid lazy person with no interest, no focus, no life. Why should it matter if I lived or left? Be on your merry way and let me be, let me on my own, leave me to my devices. It shouldn’t matter to you. What am I to you anyways?

Broken, mentally and physically, tired and exhausted. Screwed up in my head, I know I am. My attempt to state facts may seem like a plea of help. My numbness mistaken for desperation, my fight mistaken for being obstinate. I’m neither this nor that. Just a wandering soul, not lost neither looking for solace. I’m totally fine living between life and death, existing, I think is a better term. See, all this is my own doing, no one to blame but me, so save your caring nature someone worthy of the nurture. I’m still alive you see.

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