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Drifting away into numbness

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

Save me

Before it’s too late

I weep for the girl that was

Smiling and ever happy

I wish not to be stuck

Smiling in pain

Let my tears flow

Before they turn red

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

Drowning

Clutching to all straws

Fading away

Into an emotionless pit

Listen to my heart

Forget my words

I’ll say I’m fine

When I’m anything but

Hold me tight

Help me fight

My demons taking the best of me

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

I’m lost

I’m wandering

Like a ghost

Haunting nothing but myself

Nightmares merging in to my reality

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

Aid me before it’s too late

DO IT ONCE MORE

Dust up, wipe away your tears and do it once more.

I’ve healed myself, more than once, with prayers and determination
Bowing my head and crying to My Lord
I’ve stitched myself up.
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

I’ve faced so much worse than a broken heart
Clipped wings and a shattered dream
But I got up once
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

I’ve faced bigger demons
Than self doubt
Hurtful comments and a low esteem
I rose up once
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

I’ve lived through worse nightmares
Human monsters and two faced snakes
I’ve slayed them once
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

I’ll never give up, even in the face of fear
Doubt and hurt
I faced them once
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

TILL I LOVE ME

Shallow standards of beauty are what I grew up seeing.

Perfect height, weight and assets to complement.

So anything other than that was not beautiful.

It simply could not be beautiful.

I always wondered about it.

For I see beauty in a smile,

Beauty in tears,

Beauty in pain

And beauty in a storm.

I am astonished by strength,

Intrigued by bravery

And inspired by courage.

I see beauty in a stroke of a painter’s brush,

In a paragraph of a writer’s book,

And in the words of a poet.

I see beauty in almost everything I encounter.

What I did not see, was beauty in me.

I fell in love with the passionate souls that choose to believe in their ability to create art.

I wonder what would someone find beautiful?

Plain brown eyes. Dull skin and messy hair?

I look at the mirror every day and wonder how anyone would think that I was beautiful.

Not only in my appearance, but for who I am too.

Would someone like me when I ramble on?

Would anyone see beauty in what i write?

Would anyone see the pain in my words and choose to stay?

Is there beauty in who I am?

I wish I had an answer. I don’t.

And even if somebody said yes, I probably would not believe it.

Not right now.

Not until I believe in myself.

Until I love me.

I am learning, to love myself for everything I am and what I do.

For my weird habits and silly rambles.

For who I am.

And also, for how I look.

Until I love me. I shall continue searching for these answers.

Or maybe once I know. I wouldn’t need any answers.

When I find one thing I like,

I’d find a thousand more to hate

Little things to always pick on.

For I will know the truth.

Until I forgive myself

For all that I have done

For all the mistakes I wronged myself

For the pain I put myself through.

Maybe then I’d learn to forgive others too.

I do not see this at all.

I justify all the wrongs I have faced with what I see in the mirror.

I look at the reflection and I don’t see someone who deserves to be happy.

I see broken pieces

I see shards

I see secrets

I see lies and sins

How can someone live with a person like this?

Till then, when I learn to love me all

All the broken pieces and cracks

Then, I wait for.

I do sometimes,

Like the happiness behind a smile

When I smile and my reflection smiles back.

For then I know, I can still be happy.

The nights I fear most,

Is those I feel nothing

Never ending numbness

No hate

No love

No pain

No hurt

Those I fear.

When I force myself to feel.

Worry not,

I have not despaired

For the Believers, there is no despair

I hope the day comes soon

When I love picking up a pen and writing again

When I feel the warmth of a loving gaze

When I smile from my heart

And let it show on my face

When I can say

With assuringly

And truly

I love me

For my self

For my being

For who I am

For what I do

For what I’ve been through

And for all that I’m about to be.

Till I love me

I WILL FIGHT

One swipe and it shall be gone

One press and you’ll stop feeling

One choice, it’ll only be a second

Is it worth it though?

I feel it when I lay on my bed

Disruptive thoughts

Am I worth it?

Am I ever going to be?

I realize that,

I’ve never been someone’s first

Not first priority

Not the first choice

Or have I?

I’ve never been needed

Never been chosen

Never someone’s best friend

Never someone’s number one

Or have I?

As I lay there

I forget

I forget of two parents who love me

I forget of the siblings I grew up with

Because at that moment

I want to be selfish

Uncaring

I want to feel pain

So I let myself forget

I forget of My Creator

Who blesses me and Loves me

I forget of my Prophet

Who loves me,

Cried for me before knowing me.

“Ummaty, Ummaty”

“My People, My People”

I forget about everyone who cares

Trying to trick my self that no one does

So when I pain, I justify it

Nobody cares anyway

You don’t matter anyway

I’m wrong

I hope to be wrong

I will fight for that chance

That hope for tomorrow

I will fight to live

I will fight to survive

I choose to be brave

I choose to be strong

I’ll fight.

And when I forget

I’ll fight to remember.

Even if it’s a fight against my mind

I will fight.

Judge Me After

I’d paint what I feel

I fear it would be too dark

I’d say what I want to say

I fear I might be misunderstood

I stand here before you

Speak what I want to say

Get over what I can’t

Explain it so I also can get it

Stop the judgement

I’m asking for the impossible,

Believe me I know.

You’ve not lived my life

Never understood what I feel

Never walked with me

All you see is what you want to see

So till you can do what I ask you to

Stop with the judgements.

Put a halt to your negativity.

Shut it when you don’t know the truth.

If your words aren’t worth your silence

Then don’t

You don’t always have to speak.

Put your words on a scale

A few words of yours

Weigh them against my journey

Give me the weight of my life, my heart, my story

Forget that, give me the weight of what you say

Your comments?The basis?

Your opinions? Who asked for them?

Your hateful attitude? What did I do?

You can’t?

See. Then don’t. Just stop.

You have no right to judge.

Advise me when I stray

Kindness doesn’t cost a thing.

If I’m drowning, would you pull me out?

If I was falling, would you help me up? If not, soften my fall?

If I was going under, would you help me stay afloat?

If I ever lost my faith, would you show me how to believe once again?

If you won’t stay for it,

Through the tides and turbulence

Ride the high. Camp with the low.

Stay. Stay. Stay.

Then leave.

Leave with the negativity you carry.

I’d be lying if I said it won’t hurt

I’d be lying if I said it will be easy.

It’ll hurt definitely

It’ll be hard for sure

But

Sadness doesn’t last forever, it shouldn’t

Grief can be overcame,slowly but steadily

Mistakes can be pardoned, forgiven not forgotten

Difficulty can be lessened, for with each of it comes ease

I’m not brand new, definitely not

But I’m stronger

I’m scratched up, messed up and a little bit scared too

But I’m still fighting to survive

I’m not alone, not if I don’t want to

Letting you all in, trusting

I will stay hoping, praying, wishing and hoping some more.

Taking a plunge, I’m flying, lighter.

I’m grounded, staying true to myself.

After this all, judge me then.

Breathe

Pull words from your soul

Like a magician pulls tricks from his hat

Let the words flow

Like water in rivers

Let your voice be heard

As clear and as loud as a warrior’s cry

Say what you feel

Don’t conceal

Not anymore

Stand up

Learn to fight

Fight for yourself

And Your rights

Lead, you are strong

Lean, you also need help

Look, it all will make sense

Listen, you need to prepare

Live, life leaves in a moment

Rise and dust yourself

This is just the beginning

When friends turn to foes

Relish in the time you have

Replenish yourself, alas you are human.

Breathe.

See, I’m Still Alive

See growing up was hard, especially if you felt what I went through, seen what I’d been through. I ask for no pity no worry and please, don’t question me.

It’s happened, over and done with. See, let me break it down for you. I’ve dealt with depression by myself, how did you know? Well, I’ve felt the sick pleasure of hurting myself, see, I’m stupidly smart, learned how to feel pain leaving no scars.

I’ve spent sleepless nights, insomniac and living. I’ve starved myself, living on nothing but water and air. I’ve contemplated running away from home, school and life. I’ve been stuck in nightmares, lived through hell and see, I’ve made it so far, scarred, scared, broken but very much alive. I need not your pity, sympathy nor tears, and please, keep your questions to your self. I’ve lived through insults, let me tell you, those that hurt most are those from those you love the most. I’ve lived through them all, see, yet I’m still alive.

I’ve laid in bed wondering why me? Why shouldn’t I just relieve them all, it’ll be as they said, as if I never existed. They wish I never did most of the times anyway, I’m a shame, a disgrace, a scar they should hide. I never fit in among them anyways. See, let my tears flow, I don’t understand why you are crying, its my life, not yours, please keep your tears, hands and words to your self. I’m still alive you know.

You never cared, when you leave you’ll forget about me, forget about my story, forget I ever existed. Don’t deny it, I know you will. I’m not extraordinary nor am I special. Just a stupid lazy person with no interest, no focus, no life. Why should it matter if I lived or left? Be on your merry way and let me be, let me on my own, leave me to my devices. It shouldn’t matter to you. What am I to you anyways?

Broken, mentally and physically, tired and exhausted. Screwed up in my head, I know I am. My attempt to state facts may seem like a plea of help. My numbness mistaken for desperation, my fight mistaken for being obstinate. I’m neither this nor that. Just a wandering soul, not lost neither looking for solace. I’m totally fine living between life and death, existing, I think is a better term. See, all this is my own doing, no one to blame but me, so save your caring nature someone worthy of the nurture. I’m still alive you see.

Rise

I stood on the sidelines for too long

Stood watching the pain

I was a target

A helpless pawn 

In a game that knows no rules


I was used

In a place that knew no light

In darkness, surrounded by night

Tossed aside

In a place that knows no happiness
I was lost

In an abyss of misery

Too gone to know the way

Too scared to walk ahead

In a place that knows no love


But now I rise

I rise a warrior, a fighter

I rise to be a player 

In the same ruthless game

I rise to be happy

In a gloomy palace

I rise to be the lantern

In this murky place

I rise to fight

I rise to win

Watch me

As I rise.

Losing You

I stood quietly behind it all

Smiling widely

A tad bit wide

A tad bit forced

A tad bit practised

A smile too perfect

A smile too fake

No one noticed

A smile is what they wanted

And a perfect smile they got

Waving and smiling

As everyone passed

After they all went away

Tears pooled in my eyes

Glossy, they shined in the twilight

Good bye Dear Friend

And I love you

I looked at the sky

So dark yet beautiful

An ending that signified a new beginning

Closing my eyes, I let myself cry

Falling on to my knees

It’s okay to grieve

It’s okay to cry

Not now

Not tomorrow

Maybe One Day

But it’s going to be okay

To Allah we belong

And to Him we return.

I love you Dear Friend

In my heart you forever reside.

 

 

 

 

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