HOME SICK

I started feeling lonely recently, withdrawn from human contact, keeping socialization to a minimum, maintaining conversation only when necessary, doing everything I can not to let anybody come close, including being flippantly rude, ignoring calls and messages. I even started losing topics of conversations, with my best friend, my mother.

Other than the weather, the times and how I feel adapted to a new place, here, I feel trapped, I feel suffocated, and I don’t want to feel this way. Anxious, scared and terrified.

And being away from home hits hard. Some days everything irritates me. From the weather to the little things like misplacing an item. Small inconveniences make me want to curl up in a ball and cry.  And being someone scared of putting my emotions out there, I’d rather stay in and be hush about it. When you’ve been labelled a cry baby, dramatic and attention seeking from a young age, letting others in is braver than most would like to admit. Admitting it makes one vulnerable, and human, but vulnerable. I wouldn’t want any one to worry about me, especially my parents and I definitely don’t want fake pity from someone who will pretend to understand only to gossip about it. I might sound bitter, but trust comes at a price if all you’ve seen and mostly experienced is being at the receiving end of broken trust.

When I left my home for a new country, barely a week after my Uncle passed, then a little later, my little baby girl and then my cousin-brother who I grew up with, just days after his birthday. I’ve never regretted being here and choosing to follow my heart more than I did in those days. And there was no one here, I could turn to, not because I don’t trust friends I’ve made here, but scared of what letting people in might bring. I made a mistake of letting one loss slip out, and someone joked about how I can always find a ‘replacement’ for a brother I love and lost. So far, this has been the hardest to deal with.

I’ve had happy times, many a  times. Sleepovers, movie nights, trying new restaurants, exploring new places and meeting new people. All adventures that made me feel happy and excited that I agreed to leave and travel and meet new people. and follow my dream. I wish that I was more open to more adventures, but it’s another issue if you have social anxiety and would rather 100% stay in than go out. Living in fear of being judged, by being judgmental myself. I fear no one would understand, that I judge them where they stand as I myself fear the same for myself. I do try to push out of my limits and comfort zones, maybe not as hard as I can, but as long as I am comfortable.

And I feel more better as I type this out, lighter, a little bit scared, but better nonetheless. It was a big change and for a while, I changed myself in hopes that I would fit in, but it never happened. And it took me a while to see reason and realize that I was not true to myself and my principles. It’s better to be myself and face the world, than change and face the same issues, because no matter how hard I push myself to try to be someone else, the world still runs the same course, and that is not something I can change.

To try to deal with it, I had a routine I followed, pamper days in the safety of the room I live in, cooking for myself, reading and getting lost in words, and movies and series and shopping and walks alone. Some activities work, others remind me that I’m alone here. Then I expanded my routine, added more time for activities I like that made me feel better. Listening to Qur’aan more, reading it more and trying to understand it better, watching YouTube channels that I like and reading and writing more. I’m still finding new ways to deal with it.

Everyone deals with it differently. Any big change in your life and how do you deal with it? How do you deal with homesickness?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I WILL FIGHT

One swipe and it shall be gone

One press and you’ll stop feeling

One choice, it’ll only be a second

Is it worth it though?

I feel it when I lay on my bed

Disruptive thoughts

Am I worth it?

Am I ever going to be?

I realize that,

I’ve never been someone’s first

Not first priority

Not the first choice

Or have I?

I’ve never been needed

Never been chosen

Never someone’s best friend

Never someone’s number one

Or have I?

As I lay there

I forget

I forget of two parents who love me

I forget of the siblings I grew up with

Because at that moment

I want to be selfish

Uncaring

I want to feel pain

So I let myself forget

I forget of My Creator

Who blesses me and Loves me

I forget of my Prophet

Who loves me,

Cried for me before knowing me.

“Ummaty, Ummaty”

“My People, My People”

I forget about everyone who cares

Trying to trick my self that no one does

So when I pain, I justify it

Nobody cares anyway

You don’t matter anyway

I’m wrong

I hope to be wrong

I will fight for that chance

That hope for tomorrow

I will fight to live

I will fight to survive

I choose to be brave

I choose to be strong

I’ll fight.

And when I forget

I’ll fight to remember.

Even if it’s a fight against my mind

I will fight.

8436 Miles Away

I miss you, with every breathe I take

Every step I make,

I miss you, for every mile away.

 

My safe haven, My warm cocoon.

My home, my comfy blanket.

I miss you, for every mile away.

 

My heart’s beloved, My soul’s comfort

My listening ear, my crying shoulder

I miss you, for every mile away.

 

Mama and Baba, My Brothers, My sisters,

My heart calls out to you.

I miss you, so very much, for every mile away.

 

 

 

 

 

TIME

I speak of it

As if I know it,

As if I’ve mastered it,

Yet, I know nothing

I wonder of it

A mystery, shrouded in mystery

How much of it is left anyway?

How long has it been in existence

How long does it have left

What about the earth? I ask

I miss it sometimes,

It goes too fast

At times, too slow

Time, Use it wisely

I was always told

Use it before it runs out

Use it well

Use it before you can’t anymore

Time, Dearest Time,

Would you slow down if I asked,

Speed up when I desire

Slave to The One alone,

Time, a shield and a witness

Or an argument against man

It’s only now that I’ve got

This moment, and this alone

I leave you with this,

Use your time well

Use it wisely

Use your youth before you age

Use your health before you sicken

Use your wealth before poverty

Use your free time before you are tied up

And lastly,

Use your life before death.

Painfully Human Part 2

So someone asked me to clarify on  PAINFULLY HUMAN.

This is my own personal opinion in life, I do believe humans in some kind of twisted way crave pain to make us feel more alive, to let loose from the numbness that plagues us, to feel.

I am entitled to my opinion as you are to yours, I do not wish to impose mine over yours, this is simply my little haven where I speak (or type) what I feel.

So to clarify on this, I think pain, in some way, reminds us we are human, we soar to great heights, sometimes think of ourselves greater than who we are, and only when we experience pain is when we remember we are human, painfully human.

Pain reminds us of our identities as humble beings, reminds us that we are not indestructible we are not infinite, we are flawed in the greatest way possible.

In another way, we crave pain, I said this, it may be a little masochistic of us, we kind of do crave pain. We aren’t damaged or scarred, we simply are humans.

We aren’t damaged or scarred, we simply are humans.

Pain, is a reminder that we feel, it’s a reminder that we are alive, it’s a reminder that we need to be humble.

I don’t necessarily think that anyone or everyone would agree with me, but as I said, this is my opinion.

Pain, comes in so many different forms, we inflict it upon ourselves, it’s inflicted by those close to us, by strangers, emotional, physiological, psychological, it exists everywhere, sometimes we inflict it unknowingly with words or actions that can never be taken back, a reason we should always think before we speak or act.

It’s a shame that with all knowledge we are amassing we still don’t fully recognize mental health, in my opinion, should be among the most important health routines.

Dentists, ENTs, General Doctors, Cardiologists, Gyno/Obstetrician, Ophthalmologists, we dish out hundreds and thousands to go through these check-ups, why not the same for mental health? How is it related to pain? The mind is what perceives pain, in whatever form it is, that’s why I think we should recognize and treat whatever pain we have in our lives, Physiological? Get treated for it. Emotional? Talk to someone. Psychological? See someone qualified.

We suffer through so much alone when we don’t have to. We just have to reach out and trust that somebody will hear the plea of help. We need to trust that when we put our hands across someone will grasp, and hopefully not let go. But first, we need to agree that we are indeed suffering, we need to decide that we will get help, we need to prepare to let someone in, we need to trust to feel. 

I don’t know how much sense I’m making, but without our conscious effort to need to get better, we shall always wonder what if? and wandering in a black wormhole, trapped your own selves.

I know I said it in I Choose Happiness, we are our battles, we are our demons, our worst nightmares and we also are our own selves, but I’ll say it again, we are nobody else’s but ourselves. And when we decide to fight for our own selves for our happiness, we are meeting a formidable foe, for no one knows you better than yourself.

Never inflict pain upon yourself, emotional, physiological or psychological, intentionally because as Winnie The Pooh says, “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think” and loved more than you know. Winnie is always right, you know? Seriously, you are. If you managed to make it this far, it can be 14 years, 15, 16, 17, 18 19, 20, 40, 45 years, less or more, doesn’t matter you are.

Pain is twisted, but it makes us who we are, makes our story and shapes our future because we are all painfully human.

 

 

 

PAINFULLY HUMAN

Once, I read

“Pain demands to be felt,”

And I thought to myself,

Does pain demand to be felt

Or de we demand ourselves to hurt

Somehow, Some way in our twisted human logic,

We crave pain

We crave pain to make us feel alive

We crave pain to remove the numbness

We fall, and let ourselves bruise

Because somewhere in ourselves,

We need pain to feel human

We need pain to feel anything at all

We search for it, high and low

We dig around for it, everywhere

Even when we know it’ll hurt, somehow we think we deserve

It’s not something about pain that demands to be felt,

It’s something about humans that demands pain.

 

I Choose Happiness

So this is going to be a long rant, bear with me, please.

A lot of things happening around me had me thinking, till when do we need reminders that our happiness is just ours to define?

We let others take control of our lives and our happiness not realising we slowly are losing ourselves, we lock down our happiness and let the key fade away. We let others tear us apart and knock us down till we are too tired to get back up, our hearts are tired and so are our minds.

Life is a funny thing to me, so is happiness, sometimes I do agree with Aristotle that happiness in life is only defined after we have lived it, but sometimes I keep thinking of happiness in those passing fleeting moments, when are we truly happy?

So here I am, at 1.30 a.m. sleepless and thinking, am I happy?

Judging with my day, I have an amazing family, parents whom I love and absolutely adore, siblings who I love too and amazing people surrounding me.

I had given up my phone 3 weeks back, my reason? I was tired of it, completely tired and exhausted by people, living without a phone for 3 weeks, I thought it would have been unbearable, but frankly, I don’t miss it, though I should go back to it, I do need it anyways. I don’t absolutely want it but I do need it.

I wonder what made me come to the decision of keeping it far, I often think it’s because for so long I cared a lot about what others had to say about me, what comments I’d have in my social media accounts, how many new followers and what messages I had gotten, even though I may deny it all I want, I think part of me still does care. I did hand over my happiness to a lot of people, and now I want it all back.

I do feel liberated without it, it’s weird, but a good weird, to me at least.

 So to answer my question, I am happy, I feel happy, I smile and I laugh.

Sometimes it does feel like I’m trapped in my own mind, no matter how hard you try to escape, it’s like drowning, the more you struggle the more you drown deeper, or like a chord round your chest tightening till every last breath deserts you. It’s a feeling of being chased and a fear of the unknown, I may not know of tomorrow but right now I’m happy, as happy as I could be right now.

Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned, and no matter how hard you try to rise up after a fall, you just seem to be falling more, the same feeling of being trapped, crippling anxiety and lost breathes, however, if we never take charge of it, we are going to lose more than just happiness, we lose ourselves, and in that bit we kind of lose some of our humanity too.

We need constant reminders that these are our lives to live, each person is their own, we are our battles, we are our demons, our worst nightmares and we also are our own selves. We belong to nobody but ourselves, and so does our happiness.

I’m probably sleep deprived and this all sounds like a cheesy truck of words, but right now I feel kind of relieved putting it down, because, in the end, so many unspoken words just needed an audience.

Break free from yourself and be happy.

Because I choose to be happy.

So yes, happiness in all definitions, whether it was a happy life or a happy moment, belongs to nobody but yourself, so take charge of it, search for it, seek it in your everyday life, find it in all moments and once you do, never let it go.

 

 

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