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Drifting away into numbness

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

Save me

Before it’s too late

I weep for the girl that was

Smiling and ever happy

I wish not to be stuck

Smiling in pain

Let my tears flow

Before they turn red

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

Drowning

Clutching to all straws

Fading away

Into an emotionless pit

Listen to my heart

Forget my words

I’ll say I’m fine

When I’m anything but

Hold me tight

Help me fight

My demons taking the best of me

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

I’m lost

I’m wandering

Like a ghost

Haunting nothing but myself

Nightmares merging in to my reality

Hear my cry

Heed my plea

Aid me before it’s too late

DO IT ONCE MORE

Dust up, wipe away your tears and do it once more.

I’ve healed myself, more than once, with prayers and determination
Bowing my head and crying to My Lord
I’ve stitched myself up.
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

I’ve faced so much worse than a broken heart
Clipped wings and a shattered dream
But I got up once
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

I’ve faced bigger demons
Than self doubt
Hurtful comments and a low esteem
I rose up once
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

I’ve lived through worse nightmares
Human monsters and two faced snakes
I’ve slayed them once
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

I’ll never give up, even in the face of fear
Doubt and hurt
I faced them once
And I’ll do it once more.
And again.
And again.

Listen Up, NO means NO.

I feel my heart heavy

My feet dragging on

Everywhere I look

I see pain and heartbreak

Girls been raped

Abused then accused

There was consent

They lied

After all, they enjoyed it

And then they were asked

Why didn’t you speak up sooner

Stop changing the narrative

We know what happened

Even when were not there

We know

After being told

To cover up

Wash up

Clean yourself up

Then shut up

It’s done anyway

We’ll raise you higher up

Worry not,

We’ll give you free tuition

To cover up this flawed situation

Come on, we are in a corrupt nation

Seems like we gained naught from our education

That No means No

Say yes, say Yes

Even, when you tried to say no

We’ll prove it was yes, it was yes

Before educating me for free

A price you want to buy me

For my silence, for my screams

I’ll give you a lesson for free

NO MEANS NO

I say NO to your price

I shall not be bought

I say NO to silence

I stand NOT alone

I say NO to rape culture

I only wish I was heard

When I first said NO.

Let’s learn consent

If I was tricked into it, then it’s a NO

If I was drugged, Then it’s a NO

If I said yes, then changed my mind, it’s my choice, and I choose to say NO

If I was held hostage, knife on my throat, Trust me it’s a NO

If I did NOT explicitly, without doubt, force or willingness, say Yes, then it’s a NO

I owe you nothing

No matter who you are

Not my body, Not my choice

It’s mine, My decision to make

And if it’s a NO, It’s a NO

Take a hint, and LET GO, It’s A NO

How many more times

Do I have to repeat myself

I seem to be not passing the message through

But if I will be believed

Then

See you in court

See, I kept an If

Because in this corrupt country

With most high ups deep in bigotry

I doubt that I’ll ever be heard

But for you, listening

Reading this, and understanding

Share my story

So we can stand together

To fight this creature

An ugly monster

In the form of rape culture

#metoo

IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD

So I was asked

Why do you speak

Of depression and anxiety

It’s all in your head

Don’t think about it

And it wouldn’t worry you at all

Stay silent.

And it shall not bother you.

It’s all in your head.

You ask me

To stay silent

Of the cages that keep me locked

Of the waters that drown me

Of the darkness that engulfs me

A trap that holds me tight

As if the mind is not part of me

It’s in my head

Because, dear, my mind is in my head

I can’t stay silent

Not anymore

I shall not speak,

Never again

But only

If the mind ceases to be part of me.

So when you tell me,

It’s all in my head

Is my head not part of me

Or should I severe it,

So I can stop thinking about it

For as long as I live,

And as long as I breathe

As long as I can

I shall speak what is in my head

Because

It’s all in my head any ways.

And if still,

You can’t understand what I speak for

I understand

You do need a mind to comprehend.

TILL I LOVE ME

Shallow standards of beauty are what I grew up seeing.

Perfect height, weight and assets to complement.

So anything other than that was not beautiful.

It simply could not be beautiful.

I always wondered about it.

For I see beauty in a smile,

Beauty in tears,

Beauty in pain

And beauty in a storm.

I am astonished by strength,

Intrigued by bravery

And inspired by courage.

I see beauty in a stroke of a painter’s brush,

In a paragraph of a writer’s book,

And in the words of a poet.

I see beauty in almost everything I encounter.

What I did not see, was beauty in me.

I fell in love with the passionate souls that choose to believe in their ability to create art.

I wonder what would someone find beautiful?

Plain brown eyes. Dull skin and messy hair?

I look at the mirror every day and wonder how anyone would think that I was beautiful.

Not only in my appearance, but for who I am too.

Would someone like me when I ramble on?

Would anyone see beauty in what i write?

Would anyone see the pain in my words and choose to stay?

Is there beauty in who I am?

I wish I had an answer. I don’t.

And even if somebody said yes, I probably would not believe it.

Not right now.

Not until I believe in myself.

Until I love me.

I am learning, to love myself for everything I am and what I do.

For my weird habits and silly rambles.

For who I am.

And also, for how I look.

Until I love me. I shall continue searching for these answers.

Or maybe once I know. I wouldn’t need any answers.

When I find one thing I like,

I’d find a thousand more to hate

Little things to always pick on.

For I will know the truth.

Until I forgive myself

For all that I have done

For all the mistakes I wronged myself

For the pain I put myself through.

Maybe then I’d learn to forgive others too.

I do not see this at all.

I justify all the wrongs I have faced with what I see in the mirror.

I look at the reflection and I don’t see someone who deserves to be happy.

I see broken pieces

I see shards

I see secrets

I see lies and sins

How can someone live with a person like this?

Till then, when I learn to love me all

All the broken pieces and cracks

Then, I wait for.

I do sometimes,

Like the happiness behind a smile

When I smile and my reflection smiles back.

For then I know, I can still be happy.

The nights I fear most,

Is those I feel nothing

Never ending numbness

No hate

No love

No pain

No hurt

Those I fear.

When I force myself to feel.

Worry not,

I have not despaired

For the Believers, there is no despair

I hope the day comes soon

When I love picking up a pen and writing again

When I feel the warmth of a loving gaze

When I smile from my heart

And let it show on my face

When I can say

With assuringly

And truly

I love me

For my self

For my being

For who I am

For what I do

For what I’ve been through

And for all that I’m about to be.

Till I love me

I WILL FIGHT

One swipe and it shall be gone

One press and you’ll stop feeling

One choice, it’ll only be a second

Is it worth it though?

I feel it when I lay on my bed

Disruptive thoughts

Am I worth it?

Am I ever going to be?

I realize that,

I’ve never been someone’s first

Not first priority

Not the first choice

Or have I?

I’ve never been needed

Never been chosen

Never someone’s best friend

Never someone’s number one

Or have I?

As I lay there

I forget

I forget of two parents who love me

I forget of the siblings I grew up with

Because at that moment

I want to be selfish

Uncaring

I want to feel pain

So I let myself forget

I forget of My Creator

Who blesses me and Loves me

I forget of my Prophet

Who loves me,

Cried for me before knowing me.

“Ummaty, Ummaty”

“My People, My People”

I forget about everyone who cares

Trying to trick my self that no one does

So when I pain, I justify it

Nobody cares anyway

You don’t matter anyway

I’m wrong

I hope to be wrong

I will fight for that chance

That hope for tomorrow

I will fight to live

I will fight to survive

I choose to be brave

I choose to be strong

I’ll fight.

And when I forget

I’ll fight to remember.

Even if it’s a fight against my mind

I will fight.

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